Wednesday, August 31, 2005
I Pimped Your Ride, and Your Sister
Ever since Aaron was poisoned, Mtv has been begging to put his house on
"Cribs". But since Aaron lives in a heavily fortified bunker in Caracas, they decided to pass. So, they came crawling to me, the sweet Sister who happens to be second in command.
I love Mtv Cribs because it lets regular people see how sad and desperate their lives are. They get to see mansions and wealth they will never achieve. I've always felt Mtv should do a show where they go to the slums of Cite Soleil, Mumbai, and Bangalore. That way people could feel good about their crappy rundown homes.
But I digress.
When the Mtv crew came to my house I was hoping they would send superstar VJ John Sencio. But apparently he's moved on to infomercials selling food rehydrators, and transvestite workout tapes. I'm just kidding. He actually works in my stable, and no I don't own any horses.
Instead, Mtv sent one of those new darling, interchangeable hosts of
indeterminate age, sex, and national origin. They were very sweet but
overly hip. After the third unwarranted use of the term "crunked", I ended up beating him/her to death with a tire iron. I don't know if they'll show it in the episode because just as I landed the killing blow, my boob slipped out of my halter top. We all had a good laugh.
My house is kind of like the Playboy mansion, but with hotter chicks. And unlike Hef, I don't need to be lead by the hand around the grounds in a stupor. I also don't spend my days drooling, dressed in a tattered bathrobe loosely slung over a pair of soiled Depends. I don't allow girls with breast implants on my property. If they wander on, their implants are forcibly removed and nailed to the wall as a warning to the next bimbo.When they show this wall on '"Cribs" it's so covered with implants, it looks like a sheet of bubble wrap.
The tour of the kitchen is unremarkable since my fridge is almost empty. That's because I prefer to have all of my food prepared fresh.
Specifically, I want to watch it die before I eat it. Nothing makes a meal more memorable than thinking about that moment, the look on the animal's face as the cold blade touches their neck for the first time.
Never has a piece of veal tasted so sweet. I love my eggs really fresh, so my staff has to try and coax the hens to lay while dangling them over a pot of boiling water. Sometimes I end up with hardboiled eggs, and sometimes it turns out to be chicken soup. Either way it's hard to beat.
The Mtv crew was surprised I didn't have bottles of Cristal in my fridge, but suitably impressed that I do use it in my bidet. We filmed a lot of footage in my bedroom which apparently can only be legally broadcast in Thailand. I guess they were disappointed by my garage and my 1989 Ford Escort, in spite of the horn which plays, "When The Levee Breaks" and the fact that it sports a killer set of rims.
In the end, they offered me my own reality show but I think I'm going to pass. They thought it would be funny to show the kids getting off the buses at my slave labor factories and realizing their trip wasn't really sponsored by the Fresh Air fund.
I do want to do an episode of Punk'd that will feature Ashton Kutcher
sucking off Diddy for a gram of coke, while Demi is lead around in just
heels and a dog collar to service his posse. I know it doesn't sound like much of a prank, but I already have the footage so it seems like a shame not to use it?
"Cribs". But since Aaron lives in a heavily fortified bunker in Caracas, they decided to pass. So, they came crawling to me, the sweet Sister who happens to be second in command.
I love Mtv Cribs because it lets regular people see how sad and desperate their lives are. They get to see mansions and wealth they will never achieve. I've always felt Mtv should do a show where they go to the slums of Cite Soleil, Mumbai, and Bangalore. That way people could feel good about their crappy rundown homes.
But I digress.
When the Mtv crew came to my house I was hoping they would send superstar VJ John Sencio. But apparently he's moved on to infomercials selling food rehydrators, and transvestite workout tapes. I'm just kidding. He actually works in my stable, and no I don't own any horses.
Instead, Mtv sent one of those new darling, interchangeable hosts of
indeterminate age, sex, and national origin. They were very sweet but
overly hip. After the third unwarranted use of the term "crunked", I ended up beating him/her to death with a tire iron. I don't know if they'll show it in the episode because just as I landed the killing blow, my boob slipped out of my halter top. We all had a good laugh.
My house is kind of like the Playboy mansion, but with hotter chicks. And unlike Hef, I don't need to be lead by the hand around the grounds in a stupor. I also don't spend my days drooling, dressed in a tattered bathrobe loosely slung over a pair of soiled Depends. I don't allow girls with breast implants on my property. If they wander on, their implants are forcibly removed and nailed to the wall as a warning to the next bimbo.When they show this wall on '"Cribs" it's so covered with implants, it looks like a sheet of bubble wrap.
The tour of the kitchen is unremarkable since my fridge is almost empty. That's because I prefer to have all of my food prepared fresh.
Specifically, I want to watch it die before I eat it. Nothing makes a meal more memorable than thinking about that moment, the look on the animal's face as the cold blade touches their neck for the first time.
Never has a piece of veal tasted so sweet. I love my eggs really fresh, so my staff has to try and coax the hens to lay while dangling them over a pot of boiling water. Sometimes I end up with hardboiled eggs, and sometimes it turns out to be chicken soup. Either way it's hard to beat.
The Mtv crew was surprised I didn't have bottles of Cristal in my fridge, but suitably impressed that I do use it in my bidet. We filmed a lot of footage in my bedroom which apparently can only be legally broadcast in Thailand. I guess they were disappointed by my garage and my 1989 Ford Escort, in spite of the horn which plays, "When The Levee Breaks" and the fact that it sports a killer set of rims.
In the end, they offered me my own reality show but I think I'm going to pass. They thought it would be funny to show the kids getting off the buses at my slave labor factories and realizing their trip wasn't really sponsored by the Fresh Air fund.
I do want to do an episode of Punk'd that will feature Ashton Kutcher
sucking off Diddy for a gram of coke, while Demi is lead around in just
heels and a dog collar to service his posse. I know it doesn't sound like much of a prank, but I already have the footage so it seems like a shame not to use it?
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Movie Review
- Crimson Rivers -
It did have some cool part, by there was 2 cops working two different cases, but they end up being connected. 1 working a grave graffiti and breaking/entering into a kids school in the records. and the other Cop played by Jean Reno (Léon: The Professional). He is working a murder, an odd murder. the guy was hanging from a cliff 75 feet in the air in the fetal position.
Movie was weird and a confusing story. All and all not that good. has some interesting parts but it was not worth to see the movie.
It did have some cool part, by there was 2 cops working two different cases, but they end up being connected. 1 working a grave graffiti and breaking/entering into a kids school in the records. and the other Cop played by Jean Reno (Léon: The Professional). He is working a murder, an odd murder. the guy was hanging from a cliff 75 feet in the air in the fetal position.
Movie was weird and a confusing story. All and all not that good. has some interesting parts but it was not worth to see the movie.
Monday, August 29, 2005
Movie Theaters listings 8/29/05
Regal (Hoyts) Cinemas Martinsburg 10
*************************************
The Brothers Grimm
Wedding Crashers
The Cave
Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo
Valiant
The Dukes of Hazzard
The Skeleton Key
March of the Penguins
The 40 Year-Old Virgin
Four Brothers
Red Eye
Supercross: The Movie
Berkeley Plaza Theatre
*************************
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo
Valiant
The Dukes of Hazzard
Sky High
Four Brothers
Red Eye
*************************************
The Brothers Grimm
Wedding Crashers
The Cave
Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo
Valiant
The Dukes of Hazzard
The Skeleton Key
March of the Penguins
The 40 Year-Old Virgin
Four Brothers
Red Eye
Supercross: The Movie
Berkeley Plaza Theatre
*************************
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo
Valiant
The Dukes of Hazzard
Sky High
Four Brothers
Red Eye
New Rentails
The Movies I rented from Blockbuster. The days they should be in.
******************************************************************
Lot Like Love - 8/30/05
Crimson Rivers - 8/30/05
GUNGRAVE:BEYOND THE GRAVE VOL. 1 - 8/30/05
Black Cadillac - 9/1/05
New DVD Releases
*****************
8/30/05
********
Monster-in-Law (PG-13)
Sahara (PG-13)
Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior (R)
******************************************************************
Lot Like Love - 8/30/05
Crimson Rivers - 8/30/05
GUNGRAVE:BEYOND THE GRAVE VOL. 1 - 8/30/05
Black Cadillac - 9/1/05
New DVD Releases
*****************
8/30/05
********
Monster-in-Law (PG-13)
Sahara (PG-13)
Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior (R)
Saturday, August 27, 2005
Jennifer flipping out!
Jennifer flipping out once she found out, her and I singing was being posted to the net.
Friday, August 26, 2005
Thursday, August 25, 2005
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